


Spoons

by ficdirectory



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Parent-Child Relationship, Protective Siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-12
Updated: 2014-08-12
Packaged: 2020-01-01 02:02:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18326432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ficdirectory/pseuds/ficdirectory
Summary: Stef remembers Mariana’s difficulty adjusting when she and Jesus first moved in, and it is not lost on her that some fears stick around long after their source is gone. (Allusions through 1x10 "I Do")





	Spoons

Stef never doubted it was right, taking in Jesus and Mariana. She and Lena had taken all the classes. Had the background checks. The home study. The fire safety inspection. They had done everything. But preparing to take traumatized children into your home and actually having them living in your home were two very different things.

Now that a couple of weeks had gone by, just how far they had to go was becoming abundantly clear.

“Jesus, honey, use your spoon,” Lena reminded for the fourth time in five minutes. Both kids had a habit of picking their cereal out of the bowl with their hands, even wet.

Stef didn’t miss the evil eye Mariana gave her brother, or the way she shook her head. For a while, it had seemed that Jesus was the dominant twin, but it was becoming clearer with each passing day, that it was Mariana, who actually ran the show.

Brandon, all of six himself, looked on, interested to see what she and Lena were going to do.

What were they going to do?

This was a daily battle. Every day it was a surprise to these two that they had to sit at the table, and use silverware, and learn basic manners. Stef understood that they hadn’t grown up exposed to having family meals, but she’d thought that they wouldn’t need to go over and over and over it for weeks.

Lena raised her eyebrows at Stef. It was more than just teaching them to sit at the table. It was convincing them to listen to herself and Lena, as parents, rather than each other, for direction.

Jesus was making a mess, with milk and cereal sloshing everywhere.

“Mariana and Jesus,” Two pairs of brown eyes locked onto hers. Good. They were learning. Now if only they didn’t assume they’d done something wrong. “We use silverware at the table.”

“Not us. We just use our hands, right, Jesus?” Mariana said, rebelliously plunging her hand into the bowl.

“Yeah.”

“Do you both remember that Lena and I are the parents?”

Mariana rolled her eyes, shocking Stef.

Still, Stef kept going, undaunted by Mariana’s attitude. If she let it deter her now, what would she do when they were teenagers? “Parents take care of kids. Sometimes parents ask kids to do new things. Like using silverware.”

“I’m using my silverware,” Brandon piped up proudly.

“That’s right. Brandon’s using his, and Lena and I. How about you guys try?”

And just as Jesus took his hand out of his bowl and reached awkwardly for his spoon, Mariana screamed and knocked his hand away.

“No! You don’t touch that!”

For the first time since they came, Jesus burst into tears.

–

That night, when Stef came home from work, she found Lena and Mariana in the kitchen. Lena was cooking. Chicken nuggets and French fries. Healthy versions of finger food that the twins could manage without a third fight about silverware.

Mariana stood in front of the open silverware drawer, staring at it.

In moments, Lena called Brandon and Jesus to dinner. Jesus was there immediately, sitting at the table as directed. Mariana came and sat next to him, whispering in his ear.

“Hey, you two,” Lena said, keeping her tone light. “What are you whispering about over there?”

“She said you guys have ten spoons,” Jesus reported.

Stef raised her eyebrows. “Do we?”

Mariana nodded.

“I can count to ten in Spanish,” Brandon offered, Ever since the twins moved in, he seemed more eager than ever to show just how good he could be.

“No, you can’t. Our mom never teached you any,” Jesus pointed out, shoving a piece of chicken nugget in his mouth.

“I know. I learned in school.”

“No!” Mariana objected.

“Yes I did. Uno-dos-tres-cuatro-cinco-seis-siete-ocho-nueve-diez,” Brandon rattled off.

Mariana was out of her chair and charging Brandon in no time. Luckily, she and Lena were on their toes. Lena caught Mariana before she got two steps.

“Sit down,” Lena directed, in that admirably calm, soft way she had.

“He can’t do that!” she screamed. “He can’t say Spanish words!”

Brandon looked at Stef, and whispered, “I can, right? She’s not the boss of everybody.”

“Yes, love, but try eating right now, okay?” Stef encouraged.

Meanwhile, Lena was trying to placate Mariana who was still furious at the prospect of anyone but her and Jesus speaking Spanish.

“But I know Spanish, too, remember?” Lena said gently. “And it was okay when I sang to you, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah, but you can sing in Spanish ‘cause you’re a Mom. But I want only me and Jesus to say Spanish words.”

“Well, you can decide what you do, but Jesus and Brandon also decide what they do. You cannot control everyone in this house. Understand?”

“But I want to!”

“Yes, I can see that…” Lena nodded. “Now why don’t you go back and sit down. Eat your dinner, okay?”

“Okay,” Mariana huffed.

–

Stef and Lena decided early on to split Mariana and Jesus up for kindergarten at Anchor Beach. They were so close and together so often that it was difficult to get any one on one time with them.

Mariana went with Lena and Brandon to school each morning, while Jesus stayed at home with Stef. They worked on skills he’d need for the classroom, which she said were art projects, and Jesus loved art.

It also gave her time to get to know them as individuals. While Jesus practiced using safety scissors and using dot art to outline the letter J on a piece of paper, Stef sat next to him and kept him on task.

Luckily, Stef was a big believer in taking breaks, and often ended up in the fenced in back yard together, running laps, to see who was faster. Jesus was pretty athletic, and Stef thought about getting him into Little League.

“You like running?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah? You’re good at it.”

“Sometimes, I just have to,” he said, breathless.

“I agree with you there. It’s good to burn off energy.” Stef smiled.

“Stef?”

“Mm-hmm?”

“Brandon said you’re babysitting us…for our mom…”

Stef stopped short and bent down so she was eye to eye with him. He sounded sad, and Stef wasn’t sure if it was the mention of his biological mom, or something else. Pausing, she thought for a minute, asking herself, “What would Lena do?” before continuing.

“You sound sad.”

“Yeah.”

“Why are you sad?”

“'Cause we’re not babies! We’re five!” Jesus exclaimed, definitely close to tears now.

Stef bit her lip to keep from smiling. “Honey, Brandon just made a mistake. Babysitting is when adults take care of kids for one episode of Rescue Heroes,” she said, remembering how much difficulty both he and Mariana had with units of time. “You and Mariana are living here until your mom gets things straightened out. We’re your foster parents.”

“You should be Gutierrez-parents,” Jesus sighed. “'Cause we’re not Fosters.”

“Right you are.”

–

That afternoon, Mariana was harder to settle than Jesus had been, which was not usually the case. Learning came easily to her. Somehow, despite their chaotic upbringing, she had learned to count at least to ten. She was a quick study, but hard on herself when she made the smallest mistake.

So far, Mariana had gotten up three times, each to presumably use the bathroom. This time, Stef was glad she was on her toes and that the kitchen window afforded a great view of the yard. She saw Mariana out there, and immediately went to retrieve her.

“You don’t go outside without a grown-up,” Stef warned sternly. “You know that.”

Mariana jerked away, and darted across the kitchen, pulling the silverware drawer open and looking inside for the second time since she’d been home from morning kindergarten.

“What are you looking for, sweetie?”

But Mariana didn’t answer. She just bolted up to her room.

Confused, Stef stood where Mariana had been. She couldn’t see anything amiss. After making sure she hadn’t gotten outside again, Stef locked the front and back doors and decided to throw a load of laundry in on the way to checking on Mariana.

She found snack cakes in the pocket of Jesus’s pants, spoons and Matchbox cars in Brandon’s bed, and all of Mariana’s bedding soaked. Stef wrinkled her nose, but managed to shake out all the toys, food and silverware before she put anything in to wash. Mariana’s bedding took priority as usual.

A few minutes later, Stef found her, all the way against the wall hidden under her bed.

“Mariana? Are you okay? Are you sure you don’t want to come and have a snack and do a project like Jesus did this morning? I have an M all ready for you.”

When Stef looked beneath the bed, Mariana tensed and screamed at a pitch so piercing that her ears rang. It was clear Mariana was terrified, but Stef had no clue why.

She called Lena at Anchor Beach and left a message: “Hey, it’s me. How did Mariana do at school today? She’s struggling at home with me, and any insight from her assistant principal-slash-beautiful foster mother would be greatly appreciated.”

–

Lena’s return call yielded no clues to Mariana’s current behavior.

Stef had managed to coax her out from under the bed only by keeping her distance and promising that she could go outside. Stef sat on the patio while Mariana remained in the back yard for hours until Jesus got back.

Then, suddenly, he was wary of her, too.

The same reaction with Lena.

When they tried to call them inside, both refused to come, sitting close together and holding hands. Once again, Jesus was shielding Mariana, just as he did when they first arrived.

Lena eventually joined Stef on the patio.

“We’re not mad,” Lena called softly. “Can you tell us what’s wrong?”

Their brown eyes got huge, and they shook their heads.

“No?” Stef tried. “Remember you’re our Gutierrez kids,” she sent a smile to Jesus, hoping he could still trust her, and ignored Lena’s perplexed look. “And we take care of you and love you, right? No one gets hurt in this house.”

“No,” Mariana said, her voice quavering.

“No?” Stef echoed, scooting closer, slowly. “Why not?”

“Not when spoons are gone,” Mariana clarified.

When Stef edged even closer, both Jesus and Mariana had accidents simultaneously, looks of terror on their faces.

Stef stopped and sat still. The twins were standing within arms’ length. She could see them shaking.

“What does it mean, love? When the spoons are gone?”

“Dangerous,” Mariana managed, still behind Jesus.

“How come?”

“'Cause spoons have bad stuff on them. So, we can’t touch any, in case.”

Stef thought back to what she knew of their background. Their birth mother was only twenty and the twins had been removed from her care a year before for neglect. Their bio mom dealt with substance abuse. They were raised in places where spoons were synonymous with drugs, and touching them meant as much danger as an open flame, or unsecured cleaning supplies.

“I see. And when they’re all gone?”

“We get hurt…” Mariana offered. “Even when they promise not to…”

Stef sighed. What the hell was she supposed to tell these kids that they’d believe when they’d been hurt so much already? When their life had revolved around avoiding adults, spoons and beatings, going hungry, and doing whatever they had to do to survive.

“Lena, will you get Brandon for me, please?”

In moments, Brandon was there, looking startled. “Why are they outside again?” he asked.

“Why don’t you ask them?” Stef encouraged, her voice serious.

Brandon turned toward them, questions on his face.

“The spoons…are all gone…” Mariana managed.

“Do you have anything to say about that?” Lena asked.

Brandon stared at his shoes.

“Brandon Michael,” Stef prompted.

“Fine! I took them! I hid them in my room! It was just supposed to be a joke!”

“A joke is funny to everybody,” Lena reminded. “What made you think hiding our spoons would be funny?”

“Because Mariana’s always talking about them and looking at them and telling me how many there are. And I thought…if I took them…maybe she’d be quiet about it…” he admitted.

“Look at them. How do Mariana and Jesus look? Do they look like they think what you did is funny?” Stef insisted.

“No,… They look afraid….”

“What do you have to say to them?”

“I’m sorry for taking the spoons,” he whispered.

“Thank you. Go inside with Lena, please.”

–

After some more coaxing and lots of patience, both Jesus and Mariana came back inside. Lena offered to bathe them while Stef got dinner on the table. Not finger food tonight, but she was hoping that what she managed to find and wash up from her junk drawer would help.

Before sitting up to the table, Stef took Mariana and Jesus by the hand and sat down with them in the living room. “Listen. All the spoons are okay in this house. You don’t have to be afraid of them having anything dangerous on them or of being hurt. Now, Brandon washed all the spoons he hid, so they’re nice and clean again, but I found something special, just for you two guys.”

And then, Stef showed them the two spoons Brandon had regularly used as a toddler. The white plastic airplane spoon with red stars, and the regular spoon with the red teddy bear handle. Brandon had deemed them too babyish just before kindergarten, and Stef had thought she’d thrown them away, but luck was on her side.

Jesus reached out for the airplane spoon hesitantly, and Mariana for the bear spoon. Their eyes were cautiously optimistic.

“These spoons are just for you, so you can use them at dinner tonight, okay?”

“And breakfast?” Mariana asked.

“We’ll make sure they’re washed in time for breakfast, sure.”

Dinner was a little messy, but Stef was happy to see that both made good efforts to eat with their spoons. In fact, neither one let go of them even after the meal, and asked if they could keep them in their food drawer. (Each of them had a kitchen drawer, easily accessible to them, which was always stocked with animal crackers, granola bars, trail mix and small bottles of water.)

Stef and Lena had a good (silent) laugh, watching Jesus and Mariana reverently “tucking their spoons in” and “saying good night.”

“Good night. See you in the morning,” Jesus whispered closing his drawer softly.

Mariana hugged and kissed her spoon gently and then said to it tenderly, “I’ll love you even when you’re naughty.”

And after a round of Ten Apples Up On Top (which could have been where Mariana got her math skills from,) both were ready to be tucked in themselves, while Brandon enjoyed being able to stay up a half hour later - a perk of being the oldest.

Jesus, uncharacteristically, dropped off mid-story and Lena carried him to bed. So it was just Stef and Mariana to finish.

With the book finished, and Mariana safely under the covers, Stef said good night. “I’ll see you in the morning, Miss Thang,” Stef teased.

From behind her, Mariana giggled. Then there was a pause. “Stef?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you for taking care of us.”

“You’re welcome. That’s what I’m here for.”

–

They’re organizing the good flatware for the wedding, when Stef catches Mariana studying them with an old scrutiny she hasn’t seen for a decade.

Gently, Stef wraps her arms around Mariana from behind, and whispers in her ear: “I love you even when you’re naughty, remember? And you have nothing to be sorry for. This was not your fault,” she reassures even as her scar throbs with a familiar pain. She waits until Mariana’s hands come to rest over her own, around Mariana’s waist. Then Stef presses a kiss to Mariana’s temple. “Okay?”

“Yeah,” Mariana nods, exhaling and going back to work. “Okay.”


End file.
